Day 8 of Lasik. My eyes are painfully dry. This morning when I woke up, they were stuck together. Nothing is worse than the excruciating burning that comes from my eyes not lubricating themselves. Putting in eye drops every 10 minutes still doesn't not appease them, and it makes me look obnoxious. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be able to see, and this procedure was a miracle; however, between my poor quality of vision (halos and blurriness) and dry eye, I go to sleep wishing I could feel the comfort of taking my glasses off.
The up side, when I wake up during the night, I can see the entire room. No more blind nights of terror thinking their is an evil spirit or person looming in the corner of my room. I can read the shampoo bottles, hell I can SEE when they are in the shower. These trifles are invaluable.
I am in the WSU library and will be for the next hour. I woke up at 8 to get here in time for the 6 hour orientation, then as soon as I arrived, one one of the professors tells me I don't need to come back for a few hours. Why the heck did he email me then, saying this was a meeting I needed to attend?
There are so many days when I want to give up this MFA. Actually, I spend more time doubting this program than I do in support of it. I have faith in my own mediocre writing abilities. I do not have faith in the current education system and economy regarding writing careers. When I graduated college, I wanted nothing more than to pursue poetry. The value I still put on words is monumental, it's just everyone else that doesn't care (sound like denial?)! Now (in the words of Jay) I feel like I am staring a loaded gun in the the face and am saying "Oh well, might as well stay in front of it." The choice is mine to move away and start a job or project or anything really that feels right in my gut and brain. I'm only bound to this program by pride, jay, and the inability to upset my grandmother, who does not understand how pointless an MFA really is (I didn't know either for the longest time). One can publish without an MFA. a lot of poets do! My grandparents mistake my writing for a gift when really it is a skill I have worked long and hard at. Then why give up? Because the results I am receiving from my writing are little to none.
I don't want to graduate with an MFA and become an adjunct for the rest of my life. I don't think this degree will make me feel any more accomplished. In fact, thinking about it is just as much of a waste of time as pursuing it.
What now? I wait. One more semester since I already am promised a job, have no money and no out. I know as soon as I begin teaching, the instant gratification will kick in, and I'll feel good, but I cannot let that ephemeral feeling effect the rest of my life. I am 23 years old, and I'll be damned if I spend the rest of my life poor and unpublished. I have more promising options like getting a Teaching certificate and getting in the work force, or doing Teach for America, or going abroad, or just selling out and getting a "real" job (not so sure about that one).
I have met wonderful people in Wichita, although the scenery and city aint so great, but you can't put your life on hold for just a few friends. This is a sad, solitary American value I've always believed in--career over friendship. That does not make me a bad person, but to those who cherish friendship above all other facets of life, I can see how I can seem heartless. I have only one life, and I intend on making it at least worthy enough to tell my own grandchildren.
Cosmos. Give me a sign.
1 comment:
I like Jay's comment a lot. It seems like what it comes down to is do you want to have job security in the field you're passionate about with little time to actually work on that passion, or take the chance of being a somewhat-starving artist with lots of time to work at your craft for a few (possibly many) years before becoming established? I know I'm not telling you anything you haven't been brooding over for some time, but you're so close to an MFA, it would be a shame to put all that work down the drain. And once you have it and teach for a year or two, you'll be able to say "been there, done that, and screw this" or you might find that you love teaching and that it gives you great leads and connections. If you stick with it, you won't be missing out on any chances, as a writers desk will always be there waiting for you.
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