quarter life crisis.

It's funny how something as insignificant as movement can change your entire perspective of place and need. Contra dancing has become very important to me over the past year. The amount of energy has I've put into has been gratifying and the joy I've received from dancing has been irreplaceable.  I feel like I've finally become a part of the Asheville contra community, right before having to leave for grad school

At the beginning of the semester, I though it was no big deal to pursue an MFA in poetry. My logic was- if you're already doing the school thing keep going before you lose it, plus it's oh-so impressive. I found a school, got a free ride, AND a teaching position. Many professors gave me wonderful, helpful advice, and more importantly--their time.

Well, I'm getting cold feet now. All because of this ONE dance weekend. Here are my issues.

1. I'm leaving a home and community I've chosen on my own.
2. I've spent my entire life planning - ex. I'm going to grad school, then i'm going to teach, then I'm going to open a pottery studio/book exchange/ coffee shop- I spend too much time thinking and not enough time existing in the moment.
3. I want a job I can see tangible results from. With teaching you gotta wait 10 years before your first students come back to thank you (if they do). Ex of tangible, helpful jobs- massage therapist, non profit work, writing therapy, etc
4. I want to have interesting stories to tell about traveling and acquiring odd skills. Ex- Oh, I went to china and save an octopus from a burning boat! (Ok that's a little more weird than interesting...)
5.I don't want to become dull by being overworked/overstudied.
6. I'm leaving some of the best friends I've ever had, and I don't want our relationships to grow distant. 


In short, I'm not sure I want my MFA. I know it's being paid for an all, but it's time that matters to me, and it will be sucked away from me before I know, and once that happens I'll just follow the motions of everyone else- work, make baby, dinner, sleep; repeat. I have so little of it (time). I am afraid to start all over again and it not working. What's my MFA going to get me? A job, I hope. More money? Maybe not. An amazing experience? Shit, I hope so.


SO I'm not dipping out or anything. I'm going because I love my boyfriend and I'm the one who pushed him to do this with me in the first place. I can't imagine not being with him. Wait, yes I can and that makes me wanna vomit.
I'm going because I feel obligated too finish what I've started
I'm going because it will probably be amazing, and I'll get over this.
I'm going because I love poetry (I can still love it without more schooling. I'll always write it.)

Oh, I don't know. I'm so tormented. I can't fucking sleep and eating makes me feel sick. Something feels wrong, and I don't know what it is. I can someone to TELL me what to do, but that wouldn't be right either.

I need an outsider's opinion. help.
.