Phonin' it in.

I am currently sitting in front of my class pretending to be hard at work on a paper. I'm feverishly typing away, so at least my lie sound is authentic. The truth is I'm doing what all professors do at this time (and I'm not even a professor yet!), and it goes a little like this:

Phone it in, bitches. Phonin' it in. Why really try, when you feel like you're going to cry? Just phone it in!


This is a new song (that sounds more like an advertisement for a phone so easy to use that an old hag can make calls)  I wrote compliments of a difficult and unsatisfying semester.

To give you an example of what I'm dealing with. One student, who shall remain unnamed, approached me during the exam and asked if he could replace the word "lettuce" with "lecture" because he did not know how to spell the latter. For a second I thought, Student, you are GENIUS! What a funny question. You really got me. That's when he told me to stop laughing, that it was embarrassing. Ever since that moment (a whopping 30 minutes ago), I've lost all hope in humankind. LETTUCE? really? REALLY? That's the closest you can get to lecture? There are so many words that are closer to lecture than food like speech, discourse, address, sermon, etc.

I had no sense of what it would be like to teach before I arrived at grad school, but I must say, the little expectation I had has been severely disappointed.  What university lets in students who can't even read? Aren't they supposed to test in? I have to teach these students and their polar opposites; students who should be in a more challenging course.

[I just put Aquaphor on my lips and all I have to say is EW, OMG GROSS, WHY? BLECH!. It says on the back of the container that it's for chapped skin and lips. Let me tell you right now, it feels disgusting on your lips like someone-has-hacked-a-phlegmy-loogy-and-smeared-it-all-over-your-mouth disgusting.]

I'm very ADD today if you can't already tell. I haven't been getting much sleep because I drink to much coffee, and I drink to much coffee because I can't wake up from not sleeping, and I can't wake up from not sleeping--I'll spare you. I wake up every few hours at night with, what feels like, a peach pit of excitement growing a tree out of my mother fucking stomach. I'm so excited and petrified of traveling (petrified because I've had such terrible luck these past two weeks, and it might ooze over into my break). I can't sleep when I'm in bed, and when I'm awake, I'm not fully awake. It's a strange sensation that I can't explain to you. It will be better conveyed in a dance:

(All the cells in my body are crusading)