Supplicate!

Well, folks, it's coming down to it. The end of my graduate career is quickly approaching. With a year and a semester looming in the background, I have to start making big decisions. Decisions that I didn't have to make as an undergraduate (because I was young and careless then, duh). Where will I live? Do I want to adjunct or go into editing or publishing? Do I even want to stay in the USA? Do I want to get married and have children? Ok, I don't think I need to think that far ahead, but that might effect where I decide to live and what I do. See why this is complicated? Of course you do. You're probably having to make the same decisions. The worst part is I can't ask someone I care about to make these decisions for me. "Hey, ma. Tell me what to do." That would ridiculous.
"Rae, why did you choose this job?"
"Because my mom told me to."
um....

There are times when I think growing up into a career path is freeing, even arranged marriages (ok, I wouldn't go that far). Decision making is hard, and I hate it. I rarely feel empowered by making a choice; I almost always regret it one way or another. If only I weren't such a fickle libra. I blame the stars! Those bastards have made free-will such a bitch.

I will have to make decisions that not only effect me, but those I care deeply about. If I move away, I will be cutting many relationships short. That seems so American too. Giving up friendship and family for economic opportunity. I'm the epitome of this archetype. I am selfish and opportunity driven. I don't care as much about material wealth, but I am very wrapped up in acquiring life experience. The idea of staying in one place forever, or only living in two or three locations for the rest of my days, makes my skin crawl. There are so many people to meet (yes, strangers are important to me. They often turn my world view on its head and remind me of what I believe in), sunsets to see on different horizons, people to love (and hate), songs to hear, flora and fauna to see.

Perhaps my problem is that I think of all decisions as right or wrong. That's terrible logic. The universe is too vast and complicated to think that one decision can change my life, or another's, so drastically. Do I really think that by making a decision, I am effecting the whole world? How egotistical of me. If I go along with that logic, then it's not about making the decision at all. It's about how you live with your decision. Well, now that I've applied that logic onto my thoughts, I don't know what the fuck to think.