Unda Presha

AWP was grand, but one minor detail stood as a constant impedance between me and the conference; traveling. To those who already know me, you can predict what I'm going to say. For those who don't, here it is: I am directionally challenged. You could spin me around with my eyes closed--in my own neighborhood, and I'd get lost. I was cursed with terrible intuition.

The Blue Line was supposed to help orient me. For fuck sakes, it always goes to the same places and only travels in ONE direction, yet I'd consistently get off and walk the wrong way, or I'd try to cut down my travel time by taking other trains. Mistake.  All of these times I got miserably lost, but at least I was alone--which is good. No one had to see Raging Rae kicking garbage cans, snarling at young children, and screaming profanities. And it's not like I could orient myself by looking for a "landmark." There's a Subway on every corner, a Chase bank, A CVS.

One day I got lost in a steady rain with no umbrella. By the time I found my way, (one hour later by grabbing a random AWP member's arm and forcing him to take me with him) I looked like a diseased, wet cat. I swear the guy who helped me shuddered every time we made eye contact, and I do not blame him.

There were many other strange occurrences, but the denouement was on the last day (a sunday no less), when we ran over a nail and had to buy a new tire. (I blame this all on Jay's bad travel karma)

This weekend I get to do the whole conference thing over again, but this time in Stillwater, OK. The difference is I'll actually be reading a dull, ecocritical paper on Heart of Darkness.

I can't help thinking all of this publishing and conference attending doesn't matter, and why am I so anxious to graduate early? What about the "real" world is so much better than having the time to perfect my craft (that is on the assumption that I have an abundance of time to write, and I do not)? When I got back from Israel, I was convinced that it didn't matter what one studied or chose as her career--what mattered was the energy she put into her current endeavor. As soon as I settled back into my routine, I let go of that notion and immediately felt the pressure of needless competition and materialism. There's not a single person I know that does not live without the intention of acquiring wealth and prestige--even I do. Why? I want to get back to that pure state of loving life without having to start over in another country....impossibility.


TO BE CONTINUED


p.s.  I lost my camera :-(