Lip smackers, and I'm NOT talking the chapstick.

There is nothing more insufferable than sitting next to what, at first seems to be a tolerable old man, who then pulls out a sandwich and bag of chips and begins smacking his tongue and lips together.

Let me first start the beginning.

I rode my bike to the Donut Whole to finish up a small paper due for a non-class class (strange, right? An assignment for a class where you receive no grade.) I put my bike in the corner, sat down with a coffee, and began what I do best--writing a lot about absolutely nothing.

Ten minutes hadn't past before aforementioned, small stature man sat down with a foil wrapped sandwich-- I should have known the sandwich mobile outside of my coffee shop would have led to this. Regardless, I had my ear phones in believing that they would add a layer of protection from the real world--He began eating like a goat.

 For how small this man was he chewed louder than anyone I have ever known (louder than my mother, and believe me that woman can chew). He chewed about 20 times for every bite of his food. In between every bite he ate two chips LOUDLY. I bet right now you're thinking, "Rae, why the fuck did you document a stranger's eating habit?" Well, cruel audience member, I didn't. I just simply was tortured by having to listen to it. For most normal people, eating a sandwich is a five or ten minute ordeal. This man dragged out the process for thirty minutes. I began to think he picked up on my stress signals and rolled with it. "You want lip smacking? I'll give you lip smacking--smack smack smack pop chew. I went from normal human being to psycho bitch in the amount of time it took him to chew and swallow his first bite.


He drove me to hop on my bike and leave. I literally fled the scene. Anyone who shares my pain in this eating injustice, I feel you. I really do.

Eating with your mouth open is an abomination or making any mouth noises while you eat is so unnecessary. Keep your mouth closed or eat in a sound proof room.

Foods you should avoid around me if they promote loud-chewing noises
cereal
soup
sandwiches
chips
gum

Lastly, try chewing AFTER the food is going into your mouth, not while it's on the way in. This food is not so imperative and delicious that you can't wait another .999 of a second to let your lips close.



Next pet peeve- children in the restroom.