One head is not good enough.

First
I have a terrible knack for sneaking inside of peoples heads, and I do it for selfish reasons: for my own clarity. When I find someone I cannot predict, I both panic and he or she becomes a thousand times more intriguing.

OK, I'll try not be too abstract. I dated someone for two years I never once got inside his head. I never understood him, so I gave up. Just like that, I thought freedom would provide me with the clarity I need when it just muddled things up even more. I knew what I wanted, but I was too much of a pussy to admit it. I got cold feet.

Second
I run from everything. I'm doing it right now by moving back to Ohio. I'd rather pay my mom rent because she needs the money to help pay bills. I want to be there for my dad's spine recovery. I'd probably find a better job there that utilizes my degree and pays me more than $5 an hour. All of these are excuses. I am running home to my fucking mother.

Third
I looked through old journals a few weeks ago and found something alarming--A list of things I wanted in a dude. This particular list (and the only list I hope) was ten years old. I was 12 years old! Anyways, Jay was everything on that list. Every freaking attribute and personality trait he possessed, and that fucked me up for 2 weeks. That's why I still can't get over it.


It's the same old story. You don't know what you have until it's gone. There's nothing I can do now but tell him. I have to, for once, be completely  honest with myself and him. I will and cannot not run from this situation.



p.s. I love when old ladies fart. They almost always think its someone else's fault.